Grief rarely unfolds in neat, predictable steps. It is not a straight line from sadness to acceptance, but more like a tide that moves in and out – pulling us between pain and adaptation, sorrow and resilience. Some days, we may feel engulfed by the weight of loss, and other days we find ourselves laughing, working, or planning ahead, almost surprised that life can still carry moments of lightness.
For a long time, many believed that mourning followed a linear path with stages to be completed one after another. That framework offered structure, but for most people, it didn’t fully reflect the messy, unpredictable reality of living with grief. Human experience is far more complex. We don’t simply “finish” one stage and move on; instead, we return to emotions we thought we had passed, revisit memories that stir new waves of sadness, and constantly negotiate between holding on and letting go.
This is where the Dual Process Model of Grief brings something deeply valuable. It doesn’t reduce grief to stages or suggest that healing means leaving the past behind. Instead, it acknowledges what so many of us intuitively know: that real healing is about balance. It’s about moving back and forth – between remembering the loss and rebuilding our lives – without judging ourselves for the shifting rhythm.
In this article, we’ll take a closer look at what the Dual Process Model is, why it matters, and how it can serve as both a compass and a comfort on the grief journey. Whether you’re navigating your own loss or supporting someone else through theirs, this framework offers both understanding and gentle permission to grieve in a way that is real, human, and sustainable.
Key Takeaway
- Grief is not linear, it’s an oscillation – The Dual Process Model shows that healing involves moving back and forth between facing the pain of loss and rebuilding life, rather than following rigid stages.
- Both loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping are essential – Mourning rituals, memories, and emotional expression are just as important as adapting to new routines, responsibilities, and sources of meaning.
- Oscillation is a healthy rhythm, not instability – Shifting between sorrow and life-building helps prevent overwhelm and allows grief to unfold in a sustainable, compassionate way.
- The model challenges common myths about grief – It reminds us that feeling joy doesn’t mean forgetting, taking breaks from grief isn’t avoidance, and healing doesn’t require “moving on” completely.
- Applying the model encourages balance and self-compassion – By naming which mode we’re in, allowing natural shifts, and creating gentle rituals for both grief and restoration, we can navigate loss with greater clarity, resilience, and care.
What Is the Dual Process Model of Grief?
The Dual Process Model of Grief was developed in 1999 by psychologists Margaret Stroebe and Henk The Dual Process Model of Grief was introduced in 1999 by psychologists Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut as a way to better capture what grieving actually feels like in real life. Instead of suggesting that grief moves in a straight line or unfolds in tidy stages, this model recognizes it as an oscillation – a gentle but sometimes jarring back-and-forth between two different ways of coping.
The first is loss-oriented coping, which means allowing ourselves to truly face the weight of grief. This might involve crying, reminiscing, journaling, or sitting with the raw emotions that surface when we remember the person we’ve lost. It’s the part of grief that feels heavy and unavoidable, yet also deeply important for honoring the bond we carry.
The second is restoration-oriented coping, which is about slowly finding our way forward in a changed world. This includes practical adjustments – like taking on responsibilities our loved one once managed – as well as emotional ones, such as creating new routines, trying new activities, or re-engaging with work and social life. These moments give us a pause from grief and remind us that life, though different, is still worth living.
What makes the Dual Process Model so powerful is that it normalizes this natural shifting between loss and restoration. One day you may be overcome with memories, and the next you may find yourself focused on a task, even laughing with a friend. Neither state cancels out the other. Together, they form the rhythm of grieving – a rhythm that, over time, helps us carry loss while still making space for life.
Why This Model Matters in Understanding Grief
One of the most comforting truths about the Dual Process Model of Grief is that it gives permission for grief to be messy. Unlike older models that suggest mourning moves in predictable stages, this framework acknowledges that grief is fluid, nonlinear, and often surprising. You may find yourself crying in the morning, laughing with a friend in the afternoon, and then aching with longing again at night – and all of it is part of the process.
This matters because so many people question themselves in grief. “Am I grieving the right way? Shouldn’t I be over this by now? Why do I still feel broken after having a good day?” The Dual Process Model offers reassurance: it’s completely natural to move between deep sorrow and moments of restoration. Feeling joy or focusing on daily life does not lessen the love you have for the person who died, nor does it mean you’ve “forgotten” them.
By naming and normalizing this oscillation, the model helps reduce guilt and self-judgment. It tells us that stepping away from grief at times is not avoidance – it’s a form of recovery. These pauses give the nervous system and the heart space to breathe, so that when we return to grief, we have more emotional energy to face it.
Perhaps just as importantly, the Dual Process Model provides language for something many people struggle to articulate. It explains why grief feels like a push and pull, and why our emotions can shift so suddenly. Having a framework like this not only helps the person grieving but also makes it easier to communicate their experience to friends, family, or support networks – making the journey feel a little less lonely.
The Two Key Components of the Model
A. Loss-Oriented Coping
Loss-oriented coping is the side of grief that asks us to turn toward the pain instead of away from it. It’s about facing the emotions, memories, and reminders of the person who is no longer here. While it can feel heavy and exhausting, this process is what allows grief to be expressed rather than buried.
For many, this might look like crying when the ache becomes too much to hold in, or reminiscing with family and friends, telling stories that bring both tears and laughter. It may include attending memorials, visiting a gravesite, or creating small rituals at home to honor anniversaries and special dates. Some people find comfort in writing letters or journal entries to their loved one, while others hold onto keepsakes, photos, or items that spark a sense of closeness.
These are not trivial acts. They are the emotional labor of mourning – raw, tender, and deeply personal. Engaging in loss-oriented coping acknowledges the depth of love and connection we shared. It allows us to give voice to the sorrow rather than hiding it, and over time, this honest expression helps transform the sharpest edges of grief into something we can carry more gently.
B. Restoration-Oriented Coping
Restoration-oriented coping is the part of grief that leans toward life – toward the small and large adjustments that help us continue forward in a world that has changed. While loss-oriented coping pulls us into the depths of sorrow, restoration-oriented coping helps us regain our footing by slowly creating new rhythms, roles, and ways of engaging with daily life.
This might look like taking on tasks your loved one once handled, such as managing finances, cooking meals, or caring for the family. It may involve establishing new routines that bring stability when everything feels uncertain. For some, it becomes an opening to explore new hobbies, interests, or even relationships, allowing a sense of growth to emerge alongside grief. And for others, it can mean simply showing up to work, school, or personal projects, not as a way of escaping grief but as a reminder that life still has shape and meaning.
These activities don’t erase the pain of loss, nor do they diminish the love we feel for the person who is gone. Instead, they create a necessary balance, giving the heart moments of rest from mourning and helping us re-engage with the living world. Restoration-oriented coping reminds us that healing isn’t about replacing what we’ve lost – it’s about weaving grief into a new way of being, where both memory and possibility can coexist.
Oscillation: The Heart of the Model
At the core of the Dual Process Model of Grief is the idea of oscillation – the natural rhythm of moving back and forth between facing the pain of loss and finding ways to live beyond it. This movement is not random or chaotic; it’s the body and mind’s way of protecting us from being consumed by grief while still allowing us to honor and feel it.
On some days, grief may take center stage. You might find yourself pulled into memories, tears, or the weight of longing. On other days, you may notice yourself caught up in practical tasks – working, cooking, caring for family, or even enjoying a moment of laughter with friends. And then there are days that blend both: a morning spent weeping over an old photo followed by an afternoon of errands that bring a sense of normalcy.
This oscillation is not a sign that you’re “inconsistent” or “unstable.” Quite the opposite – it’s a healthy, adaptive process. By alternating between loss and restoration, you give yourself emotional space to breathe. Constantly staying in the pain of grief would be overwhelming, just as avoiding grief altogether would eventually catch up with you. Oscillation is how the psyche paces the journey, offering both expression and reprieve, so that healing can unfold in a sustainable way.
Myths About Grief That the Model Challenges
One of the most liberating aspects of the Dual Process Model of Grief is that it dismantles some of the most common and harmful myths about how grief “should” look. These myths often leave people feeling guilty, confused, or even broken – when in reality, their experience is completely normal. Let’s take a closer look at three of the biggest misconceptions.
Myth 1: You must “move on” completely.
Society often sends the message that healing means leaving the past behind, as if true recovery requires “getting over” the person we’ve lost. The Dual Process Model challenges this by showing that grief and life can coexist. You don’t have to erase your connection to heal – in fact, love and memory become part of the foundation you carry forward. Healing is less about moving on and more about learning how to move with.
Myth 2: Feeling happy means you’re done grieving.
Moments of laughter or joy can sometimes bring a pang of guilt, as if smiling means you no longer care or are betraying the memory of your loved one. But happiness is not the opposite of grief – it is a natural companion to it. These lighter moments are part of restoration-oriented coping, giving the heart space to rest and reminding us that it is still possible to feel warmth and connection even while carrying loss.
Myth 3: You should face your grief constantly.
There’s a belief that to “grieve properly” you must sit in the sadness all the time. Yet grief is too demanding to be held every waking moment – it would be unbearable. The Dual Process Model reminds us that taking breaks from grief is not avoidance, but a healthy and necessary act of recovery. Oscillating between loss and restoration allows the nervous system, the mind, and the heart to find balance.
By challenging these myths, the Dual Process Model offers a compassionate reality: your grief doesn’t have to look a certain way to be valid. You are allowed to carry both sorrow and joy, to remember and to rebuild, to grieve and to live – all at the same time.
Benefits of Using the Dual Process Model in Healing
One of the reasons the Dual Process Model of Grief has been so widely embraced is because it not only explains what many people naturally experience, but it also brings relief and reassurance during an incredibly difficult time. Understanding and applying this model offers several key benefits that can make the journey through grief more compassionate and sustainable.
Reduces Guilt
Many grieving people feel conflicted when they find themselves laughing at a joke, enjoying a meal, or being absorbed in work. The model validates these moments of distraction or relief as part of restoration-oriented coping – not as signs of “moving on” or forgetting. This helps lift the weight of guilt and allows people to embrace small respites as necessary for healing.
Promotes Emotional Resilience
By encouraging a natural balance between sorrow and living, the model helps build resilience. Instead of being swallowed by grief or denying it altogether, the oscillation between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping allows space for both pain and growth. This rhythm strengthens the emotional muscles needed to carry grief without being crushed by it.
Supports Long-Term Healing
Grief is not something that disappears after a set time; it becomes part of life. Constantly dwelling in the pain, however, can lead to emotional exhaustion, while constant avoidance can prolong suffering. The Dual Process Model helps prevent burnout by normalizing the alternation of focus. This sustainable approach makes it easier to integrate grief into life over the long term.
Encourages Self-Compassion
Perhaps one of the most healing aspects of this model is the permission it gives to be gentle with yourself. It reminds us that progress does not mean forgetting, and having moments of joy does not diminish love. Self-compassion grows when we see grief not as something to conquer, but as something to carry in a way that honors both our loss and our life.
By highlighting these benefits, the Dual Process Model becomes more than just a psychological theory – it becomes a companion. It reassures us that the way we grieve is not wrong or broken, but deeply human.
Applying the Model in Your Own Life
One of the most practical gifts of the Dual Process Model of Grief is that it offers a way to check in with yourself and intentionally support your healing. Grief can often feel chaotic or unpredictable, but when you begin to notice which mode you’re in – loss-oriented or restoration-oriented – you can respond with more gentleness and awareness. Here’s how to start applying the model in your everyday life.
Step 1: Identify Which Mode You’re In
Pause for a moment and ask yourself: “Am I sitting with the pain of my loss right now, or am I focusing on rebuilding and adapting?” Naming the mode doesn’t box you in – it simply gives you clarity. Knowing where you are can help you understand what you need in that moment, whether it’s space to cry, reflect, or simply function.
Step 2: Allow the Shift
Grief often carries us back and forth in waves. You may feel deep sorrow one hour and find yourself immersed in practical tasks the next. When that happens, don’t resist the shift. Trust that this back-and-forth rhythm is how your heart and body are protecting you. Lean into it without judgment, knowing that both states are essential to the healing process.
Step 3: Create Gentle Rituals for Both Modes
Rituals give structure to something that otherwise feels overwhelming. On loss-oriented days, you might light a candle, write a letter to your loved one, or listen to music that helps you connect with your memories. These practices give space for grief to be felt and expressed. On restoration-oriented days, you might plan a small outing, try a new recipe, connect with a friend, or explore something creative. These moments don’t erase your grief – they help restore energy and bring balance.
By consciously engaging with both sides of the model, you give yourself permission to grieve in a way that is fluid, human, and sustainable. Rather than feeling like you’re doing grief “wrong,” you begin to see how each shift – whether into sorrow or into living – is part of your unique rhythm of healing.
Supporting Someone Using This Model
When someone we love is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say or do. The Dual Process Model of Grief gives us a lens that helps us show up with more compassion and less pressure. Instead of expecting them to follow a clear timeline or behave a certain way, we can recognize that their healing will naturally move back and forth between sorrow and restoration. Here are a few ways to offer meaningful support.
Listen Without Pushing
One of the greatest gifts you can give is your presence. Resist the urge to tell them to “move on” or “stay strong.” Grief doesn’t need fixing – it needs witnessing. Sometimes all a grieving person wants is someone to sit with them, to hear their story without judgment, and to acknowledge their pain without rushing them toward resolution.
Normalize Oscillation
Let them know that it’s okay to have days that look very different from each other. A morning spent crying doesn’t make the laughter they share later in the evening less real, and a productive day doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten their loss. By normalizing this back-and-forth, you help remove the guilt or confusion that often comes with grief. Remind them that it’s not inconsistency – it’s simply how healing works.
Offer Practical and Emotional Help
Grief is both emotional and practical, which means support should be too. There will be moments when they need someone to listen as they talk through their feelings or share memories. And there will be times when what they really need is help with grocery shopping, childcare, cooking, or simply handling everyday tasks that feel overwhelming. Offering both kinds of support acknowledges the full reality of their experience.
Supporting someone through grief doesn’t mean having all the answers – it means walking alongside them as they oscillate between holding on and finding ways to move forward. By listening with patience, normalizing their shifts, and offering both emotional presence and tangible help, you become a steady reminder that they don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
The Role of Culture and Personality in Oscillation
While the Dual Process Model of Grief offers a universal framework for understanding how people move between loss and restoration, the way this oscillation shows up in real life is deeply shaped by culture, personality, and the unique nature of the loss. Grief may be a shared human experience, but how it is expressed and carried is profoundly personal.
In some cultures, there is a strong emphasis on loss-oriented expressions. Rituals, ceremonies, communal mourning, and designated grieving periods are not only accepted but expected. These traditions provide structured spaces for sorrow and remembrance, helping people lean fully into the weight of loss with the support of community. In other cultures, however, there is greater emphasis on restoration and forward movement, with rituals designed to honor the deceased while also encouraging the bereaved to return to daily life as a way of regaining balance. Neither approach is right or wrong – they simply reflect the values and collective wisdom of different societies.
Personality plays a role as well. Some individuals naturally lean into restoration-oriented coping, throwing themselves into work, responsibilities, or new projects as a way of finding stability. For others, the healing process requires more loss-oriented time – long stretches of reflection, journaling, or engaging in memory-keeping rituals before they feel ready to step into new routines. Even within the same family, you might notice very different styles of grieving, each equally valid.
The key lesson is that there is no single “correct” rhythm of oscillation. Both culture and personality influence whether someone spends more time in loss or restoration, and this variation is part of what makes grief so deeply human. Recognizing these differences – both in ourselves and in others – can cultivate compassion and help us honor the many diverse ways people carry love and loss.
Common Challenges in Applying the Model
While the Dual Process Model of Grief offers a compassionate and realistic framework, living it out is not always simple. Grief is tender, unpredictable, and influenced by both inner emotions and outside expectations. Along the way, there are common challenges that can make it harder to find balance between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping.
Getting “Stuck” in One Mode
Sometimes people find themselves spending most of their time in one mode and struggling to move back. If someone remains heavily in loss-oriented coping – immersed in sadness, memories, or rumination – they may begin to feel weighed down by depression and hopelessness. On the other hand, staying primarily in restoration-oriented coping – distracting through work, tasks, or busyness – can become a way of avoiding grief altogether. Both extremes can slow the healing process.
External Pressures
Family, friends, and even cultural expectations can unintentionally make grief more complicated. Well-meaning people may push someone to “move on” and focus on restoration before they are ready, or they may encourage staying in deep mourning longer than feels natural. These pressures can create confusion, frustration, or shame, making it harder for the grieving person to trust their own rhythm.
Guilt
Perhaps the most common challenge is guilt. Many people feel guilty when they laugh, have fun, or even enjoy a quiet moment of peace, worrying that it means they are forgetting their loved one. Others feel guilty if they are still deeply grieving long after others think they should be “better.” This self-criticism can block the natural flow of oscillation and add unnecessary suffering.
Recognizing these challenges doesn’t make grief easier, but it does help us approach it with more awareness. When we notice ourselves stuck in one mode, responding to outside pressure, or weighed down by guilt, we can gently remind ourselves that oscillation is normal and healthy. Returning to that balance – between loss and life – is not about perfection, but about finding a sustainable way to carry both love and healing forward.
11. Practical Exercises to Encourage Healthy Oscillation
While grief will often guide you naturally between loss and restoration, sometimes it helps to have gentle practices that make this balance more intentional. These exercises aren’t about forcing yourself into a certain mode – they’re about giving you tools to honor both the pain of loss and the need to keep living. Think of them as small anchors that help you move through grief in a way that feels both compassionate and sustainable.
Grief Journaling
Writing can be a powerful way to give structure to the swirl of emotions. One practice is to alternate your journal entries: some days focus on loss-oriented reflections – memories, letters to your loved one, or honest expressions of sorrow. On other days, shift toward restoration-oriented writing – notes about small goals, moments of gratitude, or things you’re curious to try. This alternation helps you lean into grief while also nurturing hope and forward movement.
Daily Check-In
Start or end your day by asking yourself a simple question: “Do I need to face my grief today, or do I need a break?” There is no right or wrong answer. Some days you may feel called to sit with photos or listen to music that brings tears; other days you may need to distract yourself with tasks, work, or time outside. This gentle check-in honors your needs in the moment and helps you trust your natural rhythm.
Scheduled Grief Time
Grief has a way of spilling into every part of life, which can feel overwhelming. One way to manage this is by giving yourself intentional time for loss-oriented activities – perhaps setting aside 30 minutes to write, cry, or look through keepsakes. Knowing you have space for grief can make it less intrusive, freeing you to step back into other aspects of life without feeling like you’re ignoring your loss. These boundaries create balance between honoring sorrow and protecting your energy.
By weaving in practices like journaling, self-check-ins, and intentional grief time, you create a rhythm that supports healthy oscillation. They serve as reminders that grief doesn’t have to control every moment, but neither does it need to be shut out. Instead, it can be carried – honestly, gently, and with balance.
Why Professionals Use This Model in Therapy
Grief counselors, psychologists, and palliative care teams often turn to the Dual Process Model of Grief because it reflects what clients actually experience: a grief journey that is neither linear nor predictable. Instead of prescribing rigid steps, it offers a flexible and compassionate framework that adapts to each person’s unique way of grieving. This makes it not only realistic but also deeply validating.
One of the strengths of this model is its versatility. It applies to many forms of loss – not just death, but also divorce, the loss of health, a career, or any life change that alters a person’s sense of stability and identity. Because it emphasizes the balance between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping, professionals can use it to meet people exactly where they are, no matter what type of grief they’re carrying.
By recognizing both the emotional and the practical aspects of grief, the model helps reduce the pressure to “grieve perfectly.” Clients often come to therapy worried that they’re doing it wrong – that they’re not crying enough, or that they’re moving forward too quickly. The Dual Process Model reframes these worries by showing that both sorrow and restoration are necessary, and that moving between them is part of healthy healing.
For therapists, this approach also provides language to normalize what clients may not be able to put into words. It reassures people that they are not failing at grief; they are navigating it in a very human way. In this way, the model doesn’t just explain grief – it supports sustainable healing by giving both professionals and grieving individuals a compassionate roadmap to follow.
Final Takeaway: Grief Is a Dance Between Holding On and Letting Go
At its heart, the Dual Process Model of Grief reminds us that mourning is not about forgetting or leaving our loved ones behind. Instead, it is about learning how to carry them with us – in memory, in ritual, in the way they shaped who we are – while also making room for the life that continues. Grief, in this sense, becomes a dance between holding on and letting go, between remembering and rebuilding.
By allowing ourselves to move back and forth between loss and restoration, we create space for grief to unfold in its own rhythm. Some days will invite us to sit in the ache of longing, while others will call us to step into new experiences, connections, and responsibilities. Neither diminishes the other. Both are essential parts of honoring love and finding a way to keep living with it.
Your grief will not look exactly like anyone else’s. The pace, the rhythm, and the shape of your oscillation are uniquely yours. Trust that every swing – whether toward sorrow or toward life-building – is part of your healing, even when it feels uneven or unpredictable.
Grief is not a problem to solve but a journey to be lived. And within that journey, there is room for both the tenderness of memory and the possibility of growth. Allow yourself both, and know that in doing so, you are not moving away from your loved one – you are moving with them, carrying their presence into the unfolding of your life.
Challenge for You This Week
As you reflect on the Dual Process Model of Grief, I’d like to invite you into a gentle practice for the coming week. Take a moment to identify one loss-oriented action and one restoration-oriented action you can intentionally create space for over the next seven days.
Your loss-oriented action might be something as simple as lighting a candle, writing a letter to your loved one, revisiting a memory, or allowing yourself to cry without rushing the feeling away. Your restoration-oriented action could be trying a new recipe, going for a walk in nature, calling a friend, or setting a small personal goal that helps you re-engage with life. Neither has to be big or overwhelming – just something that feels right for you in this season.
If you feel comfortable, share your choices in the comments or talk about them with someone you trust. Sometimes naming our intentions out loud helps us follow through, and it also creates space for connection with others who may be walking a similar path.
You may be surprised by the relief that comes when you consciously allow room for both grief and life in the same week. Balance doesn’t mean “fixing” grief – it means honoring it while also giving yourself permission to keep living. And sometimes, the smallest steps in both directions can bring the deepest comfort.
An Invitation to You
If you’re walking through grief and feel like you’d like more support, please know you don’t have to do this alone. Our work is dedicated to helping people navigate loss with compassion, balance, and hope. You’re welcome to reach out to us if you’d like to explore working together, we would be honored to walk alongside you in your Healing.
For those who want gentle, practical tools you can use at your own pace, we’ve also created a Grief Practices PDF Guide. Inside, you’ll find thoughtfully designed practices and journaling prompts to support you through the waves of grief, offering comfort and clarity one step at a time. You can explore and download the free version (which offers 4 grief practices that you can try out) of the PDF here.
If you find those 4 grief practices helpful, you may love the full 88-page version of the PDF – Grief Practices – Soothing Ways to Hold Yourself Through Loss, which includes:
- 27 grief practices, each thoughtfully designed to support you through different aspects and waves of loss
- A 31-day guided journaling section, with a unique and reflective prompt for every single day, helping you explore your grief with compassion and depth
- A bonus section with 5 grounding and 5 breathing exercises, created specifically to support your nervous system when grief feels physically overwhelming – when it shows up as tightness, heaviness, or disconnection in your body
Grief is heavy, but you don’t have to carry it without support. 💙
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